


Eventually

by Fantey123



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Most of these are side/implied pairings, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantey123/pseuds/Fantey123
Summary: Junymeon's been in love with Yifan for a long time, but that might not be enough. He's become broken.





	Eventually

**Author's Note:**

> ALright look, i started this a while ago and lost motivation, but then i listened to 'sorry' by the rose (100% would recommend, great song and theyre so underrated) and bashed this out in about half an hour  
> i was just feeling angsty today

The day that Yifan leaves, Junmyeon doesn’t feel anything. Tao cries, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol have a fight, Sehun doesn’t say anything, he just hugs them all, always looking out for them, and Lay doesn’t speak to anyone. But Junmyeon is numb, playing the role as a good leader, letting his concern for the others take over his mind.  
The next morning, he wakes up and suddenly the weight of what has happened slams into him, and he isn’t even breathing, or crying, just shaking silently, feeling his heart screaming with pain.  
He’d always known that he actually loved Yifan, like Baekhyun and Jongdae always tease him about, but he thought that he’d have time to work things out between them, to tell Yifan when they weren’t in the middle of a comeback, or on tour. He wanted time. And Yifan hadn’t let him.  
He pretends that he’s okay though, because he has to help EXO through this, they don’t really have time to stop and process what’s happened.  
Except that one night Sehun comes into his bed and hugs him, and Junmyeon cries for so long. Sehun caring for him makes him upset already, and he can’t hold the emotions back anymore. Sehun just holds him and strokes his hair, and Junmyeon is so grateful for him, because he always knows when Junmyeon’s needs to let out his feelings. He promises himself that he’s moving on now.

 

Then Luhan leaves. It doesn’t hurt as much this time, but it makes Junmyeon hate himself a little more, because he couldn’t do anything about it again. Minseok goes out and gets drunk that day, comes home upset and out of control, which is something he has never done before. Junmyeon helps him get into bed, and Jongdae comes in to sleep next to Minseok, but Junmyeon has to leave because he understands that pain, and he doesn’t know how to talk about it yet, but the way Jongdae holds Minseok gives Junmyeon just a sliver of hope that everything will be okay. 

Usually when they win awards, or have a successful concert, Junmyeon is happy, proud of his team. Since Yifan and Luhan left though, it feels wrong. He feels like they shouldn’t be able to keep being successful without them, it feels disrespectful and horrible. Sehun comes to him that night and says  
“I don’t know why, but I feel sad when we win things now,” pressing his face into Junmyeon’s chest. Junmyeon holds him tight, and all he says is,  
“I do too,” and he knows that Sehun understands him, and it does seem like a little bit less of a burden that he isn’t the only one. 

Tao leaves as well, and that night Sehun sobs violently into Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon makes them all camp out in the common area together, so that no one feels alone, and because he knows that no one is going to sleep anyway. He feels so useless, because he knew that Tao was injured, and he wasn’t getting better, but he didn’t want it to end this way again. He notices Jongin staring at Sehun’s shaking body, still pressed into Junmyeon’s side, and thinks about how he knows that look, because he used to look at Yifan like that, it’s the look of being in love but not really knowing it, of being consumed by thinking about someone. Except Jongin is sad too, maybe even sadder because he knows that Sehun is sad and there is nothing he can do to fix it.   
He still hasn’t talked to Yifan. Its been years and he still thinks about him every day, but he can’t bring himself to contact him, or even find a way, because SM made them delete Yifan’s contact details. He wonders if Yifan deleted theirs as well. One afternoon, Jongdae and Minseok come to him to tell him that they’re together now, and Junymeon smiles widely and genuinely, even though its tinged with pain that he can’t have that, he really is happy that they sorted things out, and they are happy together. Sometimes he sees Sehun and Jongin looking at each other longingly, and he hopes desperately that no one hurts Sehun again, that love will win there. It makes him sad, because he doesn’t think he can love anyone other than YIfan, and he can’t be with YIfan. 

Most of the time he isn’t, but some days Junmyeon is angry that Yifan is gone, and that YIfan has made him into this broken, hopeless shell of a person, into someone that’s always in pain. It makes it worse because he doesn’t want to be mad about it, he knows what SM did to Yifan but his stupid heart just wants to see him.

 

They’re promoting in China, and Junmyeon gets a message from an unkown number. His chest throbs, because it’s Yifan, saying that he knows they’re in China, and that they need to talk. Yifan asks if he can come to Junmyeon’s hotel room. He really doesn’t want to say yes, but his heart is aching because it wants to see him again, and he can’t say no, even though he knows he’s only going to hurt himself again. When he opens the door to Yifan, he stops being able to breathe because Yifan is still the most attractive person he’s ever seen in his life, strong features, hair blonde now, and taller than Junmyeon. Yifan still smells so good, and Junmyeon wants to touch him, to hold him, but he doesn’t because it’s too late for that now.   
Yifan takes off his red coat and throws it over the back of a chair. Junmyeon doesn’t know what to say, where to start after all this time.   
“It’s good to see you,” says Yifan, and oh god his voice still makes Junmyeon’s knees weak. 

“You too,” he replies, and he does mean it even though it hurts to see him again. But he can’t ignore the pain, its there, fresher now that he’s seeing Yifan.  
“You left us,” he says, voice shaking. “You left me, and you hurt us so much.” Yifan looks down, at his hands that are trembling slightly.  
“I had to. Do you think I wanted to leave you all? Of course not!” Yifan’s voice isn’t loud, but he may as well be yelling, because his words cut deep into Junmyeon’s soul. “I always wanted to be an idol, it was my dream, but I was always injured, they made me start to hate music and hate performing, and I realised that wasn’t my dream at all. How could I stay?” His eyes have tears forming in them. Junmyeon can’t meet them.

“I know that. I know. It made it so much worse, I’m such a shitty person for being angry at you for leaving when I know why you left. My stupid heart, it hurt so much when you left, it still hurts every day. It makes me hate myself even more, because I understand why you left and I’m still mad?” He’s sobbing now, tears streaming down his face. He turns away, leaning heavily on the countertop and tries to pull himself together. Suddenly, strong arms wrap around him, and a warm torso presses against his back. His chest seizes, sharp pain clawing at his heart.   
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Yifan says, squeezing his arms around Junmyeon. Junmyeon can’t look at him, can’t turn around.   
“You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m the one who should be sorry. I was too selfish, I loved you too much,” says Junmyeon. Yifan spins him around in his arms.  
“Don’t you dare apologise for loving me,” he says fiercely, and Junmyeon’s knees give out, because Yifan kisses him fiercely. The kiss is salty, and Junmyeon realises it’s because he’s still crying, little sobs ripping out of his chest. He takes a shuddering breath, pulls away from the kiss, and Yifan’s delicate fingers brush the tears from his cheeks, and Yifan’s eyes are wet too, but he’s smiling a little. 

That night, Yifan is so gentle with him that Junmyeon can’t even think, can’t even begin to gather his thoughts into coherency, all he can do is cry and feel his chest swell with love, and feel that love begin to fill in the fractures in his poor broken heart. They have sex, and Junmyeon is fairly certain that this is the first time in his life someone has actually made love to him. It’s slow and measured, but the undercurrents of passion are fierce, burning deeply.   
They talk about it again, in the morning when their heads are clearer. Yifan asks him with a trembling voice if they can date, and see if they can work things out between them, and Junmyeon says yes, and he can’t believe this is really happening.  
It isn’t going to be easy.  
But Junmyeon is glad he didn’t give up on love.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading if you made it this far, and let me know what you think


End file.
